oh baby its 3 days to the day i was born 19 years ago, what have I done? am i someone's best friend? am i one of his best girlfriend? am i my mother's dearest girl? are you living well? am i being appreciated? does anyone belief what i belief in? do we share the same philosophy? i have a lot of unanswered questions. but the stars are holding me back tonight. this space here, is not the best space to seek answers. i will never know, why my real parents gave me up, i will never know why my current dad chose to leave the family, and why my mom has to be the one suffering from breast cancer, and neither will i know, why does everyone leaves me, when i needed them the most.
i may be one of the one staying in cool houses. i may be one of the one having everyone so called "cool" friends. i may be one of the one born with a skinny pack of bones, i may be one of the one having a little pretty face, but at the end of the day, whose happier, you? or me? i am falling everyday. you can find me, inside two broken family, inside never ending failed relationships, inside every failed relationships. but never once on my birthday, i did wished for myself. since young, my every dream was for world peace, was for my parents to be happy, was for my boyfriend to be successful, was for my friends to be happier. this year, i only wanna wish for happiness, i wanna wish for happiness, for myself, for once in my life, for myself and only myself. i have been living to prove others i am strong, i have been living to fake that smile. i have been living for everyone, just not myself.
i am sick, sick of being broken, sick of every single one that left. i never could differentiate my showering water from my tears. i wanna live happy, i always wanted to be everyone's happiness, except for my own. i don't want to be anyone's angel no more. i want to be my own angel. i wrote this, not for anyone to take pity on me, i wrote this, to remind myself, from today onwards, i will seek my own happiness.
"do you ever wonder why i'm laughing with a group of friends one second; but two seconds later i have a distant look in my eyes; three seconds later i have no track of the conversation; four seconds later i wish i was anywhere but there; five seconds later i'm forcing the smile back on my face pretending i know what's going on, when really i'm too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head."
then again, enough of me and my never ending whines, some recent photos.
swimming
zouk
flea
tilia day
marche afterwhich..
ciao
